This is what I don't like when my mom wakes me up in the middle of my slumber. I feel tired and useless.
My brain got tired last night and decided to take its rest after that disturbance my mom made. But comsequently, I woke up too late that I wasn't able to do all my preparations for work. I even ran late for work. Ugh, I hate the feeling that you think you're running out of time hence you run some more and faster so that you can catch up.
Work was kind of okay today. I needed that push. That adrenaline rush. That thought that I have a lot of things to do and finish. I love love love cramming. I think I'm at my finest when I cram. I just hate how one of my co-workers who's incomptence boils my blood to it dryness. I try to minimize mingling with her. She might be contagious. Her stupidity that is. Haha.
I'll be back to work now. :) laters
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Taught to be Scared
I'm kind of on a roll here.
Since I can't figure out how I can go back to sleep, I will pour out what's on my mind and tire it until I can go back to sleep.
Growing up, I was taught to be scared. I wasn't taught to respect people. I was taught to be scared of them.
As far as I can remember, when there's a visitor in the house, the elders would scare us that they out to get us and sell us to somebody else. Hence, I never know how to accept or invite people to my house.
I was taught that the police is out to get us. Not to help us, but to get us. To lock us out in prison. That's why I always tremble and get scared whenever a policeman would come near me even if I know I've done nothing wrong. I was not taught that the policemen were actually there to help us and to protect us from harm. Nope. I wasn't taught of that.
I was taught to be scared of those in authority. Be it my boss, my principal, my teacher. ANYONE with authority. Whenever our principal would call us in her office, I would tremble. I think I developed severe paranoid thoughts because of that. I was taught to fear my principal because they would have to call my aunt, our guardian that time. She hates going to the principal's office. I guess she's scared too. Scared to be humiliated and be made aware that she's not doing a good job rearing us.
I was taught to be scared. I was taught to fear. I was taught that my best will never be good enough.
I guess I wasn't raised well. I learned how to socialize by myself.
I want my fear to disappear. It won't happen soon. Its pretty much familial. Because with observing my elders, I come to realize that my life is actually based on how they want to live theirs. Not that I will live my life the way I want to live it, but by the way they want it to be. And I'm scared. I'm scared to be called an ingrate and be disowned.
I have a life. I can't live it. I wasn't taught how to. I was taught to be scared.
Since I can't figure out how I can go back to sleep, I will pour out what's on my mind and tire it until I can go back to sleep.
Growing up, I was taught to be scared. I wasn't taught to respect people. I was taught to be scared of them.
As far as I can remember, when there's a visitor in the house, the elders would scare us that they out to get us and sell us to somebody else. Hence, I never know how to accept or invite people to my house.
I was taught that the police is out to get us. Not to help us, but to get us. To lock us out in prison. That's why I always tremble and get scared whenever a policeman would come near me even if I know I've done nothing wrong. I was not taught that the policemen were actually there to help us and to protect us from harm. Nope. I wasn't taught of that.
I was taught to be scared of those in authority. Be it my boss, my principal, my teacher. ANYONE with authority. Whenever our principal would call us in her office, I would tremble. I think I developed severe paranoid thoughts because of that. I was taught to fear my principal because they would have to call my aunt, our guardian that time. She hates going to the principal's office. I guess she's scared too. Scared to be humiliated and be made aware that she's not doing a good job rearing us.
I was taught to be scared. I was taught to fear. I was taught that my best will never be good enough.
I guess I wasn't raised well. I learned how to socialize by myself.
I want my fear to disappear. It won't happen soon. Its pretty much familial. Because with observing my elders, I come to realize that my life is actually based on how they want to live theirs. Not that I will live my life the way I want to live it, but by the way they want it to be. And I'm scared. I'm scared to be called an ingrate and be disowned.
I have a life. I can't live it. I wasn't taught how to. I was taught to be scared.
LET ME HAVE MY SLEEP!
An hour and a half more and my alarm will be going off.
I woke up from a call from my mom. She's in the other room. She asked if I was home. OMG. I had to wake up early today for work but she wakes me up earlier than I should. I've done everything to go back to sleep, but alas, i failed.
She ALWAYS does that. Everyday after work, when she gets home, SHE wakes ME up just so she knows I'm home. She disregards the fact that I wake up EARLY for work. EVERYDAY. EVERY FREAKING DAY.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
ken lee
its been a long time since my last post here... hehehe... i guess just been busy.
had a trip to sanfo last feb. then my birthday is really really near! hehe. plus im somehow attached already. hehe..
but my post is not about me. but about a singer and a song. here goes.
hope u enjoyed it!
had a trip to sanfo last feb. then my birthday is really really near! hehe. plus im somehow attached already. hehe..
but my post is not about me. but about a singer and a song. here goes.
hope u enjoyed it!
Monday, February 25, 2008
sanf trip
its interesting how we meet, interact and bond with people. some you seem to avoid, yet you get close to when you meet. some you're close with but there's somehow a distance between both of you in person.
i was uber happy on my SF trip. finally meeting friends i want to meet.
RONMAR - BAKLAAAA! that was the first word that came out of my scandalous mouth the first time i saw u. hehe. the first of the sisters i met. i miss the way you made deadma nung naglalampungan kme ni you know who. hehe. salamat.
ALBRIGHT - nakita ko na sya before. mabait. sobra. saya pa kasama! grabe. d ko ma contain! OMG. (at wala tlga ako masabi) lolz pero in fernezz.. natawa tlga ako sa fact na un ang una nyang paglagay ng air sa tires nya! tuwang tuwa! lolz
AJI - grabe tong taong to! mag hintay dw ba sa LV ng overnight makapunta lng ng sanfo! kinulang tuloi ang gabing magkasama tau... hayz... nakagawa na sana tau ng baby... lolz... cool. fun to hang out with. wag ka lng mangiliti!
NATNAT - asan si aji? un ba unang tanungin?? e ako nmn sumalubong sa knya? ano ba yan? pero in fernezz ang ganda mo tlga sa cam ko! panalo! shenglot!
MUHTAH - grabe! shongaerz! iwan dw ba ang mga importanteng bagay! iba ka. to think na naghintay ka na sa airport nun ha... d mo man lng namalayan na may nawawala sau! shet! pero love u sis.. bonding to the nth leveling! at nahawakan ko na po ang bangs nya!
KRAY - grabe. thanks for giving us shelter ng makakarir nmn ang sis natin. lolz. grabe. at matulog dw ba ng 6am! lolz. super bonding moment! panalo! miss u sis!
ANTHONY - in fernezz ang cute mo! super petite! hindi ka mahuhuli sa pila pag find ur height! in fernezz! hayz. kaso may tahong ka na. nice meeting u. hindi pa tau ng uusap ng baklaan. sabi ko sau usap tau ng ganun e.
ROY - congressman! nakita na rn kta! pakk ka e. may one yr na tyong magkakilala ngaun pa lng tau nagmeet! shet! ang gwapo mo! patikim nmn! lolz
RON - alam mo nmn siguro sasabihin ko sau... hehe.. miss u!
NJ_21 - sorry if i wasnt able to accommodate u. i was out of reach. nagmamaganda kc ako ng bonggang bongga. tska may curtis ka nmn to bond with... hayz..
CURTIS - ang payat mo! pero bilib ako sa kaya mong i-store at ilabas pag lasing! lolz bumaha e!
WILL & DENNY - need i say more! i love u mga papi ko! salamat for the trouble of driving everyone na d makaya ng car ni albright! salamat tlga!
MILA - ang co-founder ng dreamworks. feeling ko tlga bagay kau ng co-founder ng MGM e.. hehe... miss u bakla! sarap ng bopis! update ko profile ko... lagay ko fave food ko un!
JAYVEE- my gosh! nahalikan pla kta! hindi ko alam! nagulat ako paggising ko nung morning! nakita ko sa cam ko may pic tau! OMG tlga! pero salamat for showing us sanfo! i loveeeeeeeeeee et!
SCOTT - thanks for the best ride ever! hehe. un lng. (sa car ni scott ang first kiss nmin ni baby ko... hehe)
LEO - sna maaga pa lng nakilala na kta. at wag mo na ako snob. hehe. akin ka nlng.
MOTHER - ikw c mother dahil mukha kang mother! ikw ang aking mama-san. bugaw. pimp. kahit ano pa. ikw un. ikw ang dinadakila at tinitingala (ni aji at anthony?) salamat for being so goood! we definitely enjoyed the party! we enjoyed sanfo! next stop nyo: LA! at nand2 ako! hehe
METREON - salamat sa mga games. sa IMAX most especially
TILT - see metreon
SA MGA HINDI MAKITA UNG NAME NILA - wla tlga kau jan. or nakalimot lng ako. hehe. pero all of u na hindi ko nabanggit. sobrang thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! ung simple meet nming sisters e naging super GEB ng DL lolz. panalong panalo! thanks sa kapokpokan ng sister naming si RONMAR! wag kau magtampo. lahat kau ay mahal ko.
sna maulit ulit. sna may part 2. un lng. hehe.
i was uber happy on my SF trip. finally meeting friends i want to meet.
RONMAR - BAKLAAAA! that was the first word that came out of my scandalous mouth the first time i saw u. hehe. the first of the sisters i met. i miss the way you made deadma nung naglalampungan kme ni you know who. hehe. salamat.
ALBRIGHT - nakita ko na sya before. mabait. sobra. saya pa kasama! grabe. d ko ma contain! OMG. (at wala tlga ako masabi) lolz pero in fernezz.. natawa tlga ako sa fact na un ang una nyang paglagay ng air sa tires nya! tuwang tuwa! lolz
AJI - grabe tong taong to! mag hintay dw ba sa LV ng overnight makapunta lng ng sanfo! kinulang tuloi ang gabing magkasama tau... hayz... nakagawa na sana tau ng baby... lolz... cool. fun to hang out with. wag ka lng mangiliti!
NATNAT - asan si aji? un ba unang tanungin?? e ako nmn sumalubong sa knya? ano ba yan? pero in fernezz ang ganda mo tlga sa cam ko! panalo! shenglot!
MUHTAH - grabe! shongaerz! iwan dw ba ang mga importanteng bagay! iba ka. to think na naghintay ka na sa airport nun ha... d mo man lng namalayan na may nawawala sau! shet! pero love u sis.. bonding to the nth leveling! at nahawakan ko na po ang bangs nya!
KRAY - grabe. thanks for giving us shelter ng makakarir nmn ang sis natin. lolz. grabe. at matulog dw ba ng 6am! lolz. super bonding moment! panalo! miss u sis!
ANTHONY - in fernezz ang cute mo! super petite! hindi ka mahuhuli sa pila pag find ur height! in fernezz! hayz. kaso may tahong ka na. nice meeting u. hindi pa tau ng uusap ng baklaan. sabi ko sau usap tau ng ganun e.
ROY - congressman! nakita na rn kta! pakk ka e. may one yr na tyong magkakilala ngaun pa lng tau nagmeet! shet! ang gwapo mo! patikim nmn! lolz
RON - alam mo nmn siguro sasabihin ko sau... hehe.. miss u!
NJ_21 - sorry if i wasnt able to accommodate u. i was out of reach. nagmamaganda kc ako ng bonggang bongga. tska may curtis ka nmn to bond with... hayz..
CURTIS - ang payat mo! pero bilib ako sa kaya mong i-store at ilabas pag lasing! lolz bumaha e!
WILL & DENNY - need i say more! i love u mga papi ko! salamat for the trouble of driving everyone na d makaya ng car ni albright! salamat tlga!
MILA - ang co-founder ng dreamworks. feeling ko tlga bagay kau ng co-founder ng MGM e.. hehe... miss u bakla! sarap ng bopis! update ko profile ko... lagay ko fave food ko un!
JAYVEE- my gosh! nahalikan pla kta! hindi ko alam! nagulat ako paggising ko nung morning! nakita ko sa cam ko may pic tau! OMG tlga! pero salamat for showing us sanfo! i loveeeeeeeeeee et!
SCOTT - thanks for the best ride ever! hehe. un lng. (sa car ni scott ang first kiss nmin ni baby ko... hehe)
LEO - sna maaga pa lng nakilala na kta. at wag mo na ako snob. hehe. akin ka nlng.
MOTHER - ikw c mother dahil mukha kang mother! ikw ang aking mama-san. bugaw. pimp. kahit ano pa. ikw un. ikw ang dinadakila at tinitingala (ni aji at anthony?) salamat for being so goood! we definitely enjoyed the party! we enjoyed sanfo! next stop nyo: LA! at nand2 ako! hehe
METREON - salamat sa mga games. sa IMAX most especially
TILT - see metreon
SA MGA HINDI MAKITA UNG NAME NILA - wla tlga kau jan. or nakalimot lng ako. hehe. pero all of u na hindi ko nabanggit. sobrang thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! ung simple meet nming sisters e naging super GEB ng DL lolz. panalong panalo! thanks sa kapokpokan ng sister naming si RONMAR! wag kau magtampo. lahat kau ay mahal ko.
sna maulit ulit. sna may part 2. un lng. hehe.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
latest
its been longggggggggggggggggggggg since ive had something in this blog.. i guess its time... here goes...
ive been busy. new work. in and out of relationships( if can classify them as one).
i thought my whore life was left when i left the philippines. and will only be revived if i come back to my motherland. but no. its all coming back. its like this blackhole sucking you up with all its might whilst on the other side lies the past you. passing you back and forth.
i also think its innate in me. is it in my appearance? as if people see me as some one to put in bed and leave there not thinking of coming back? or is it just the complications that i always think of that makes me feel alone, used.
i wait for that someone to be there and be the knight in shining armour for me. i see them. i meet them. i interact with them. but after a night of baring whats behind the armour, feeling him and satisfying the carnal needs that my knight was hinting for a long time, im left alone. thinking if i made the right decision of giving in to his needs. thinking maybe it was too early.
it might be too early. but life is short. grabbing it by the tail is not the right way to live it. you must ride head on. catching up is never my thing. but now everything leaves me just in the middle. stagnant.
alone.
ive been busy. new work. in and out of relationships( if can classify them as one).
i thought my whore life was left when i left the philippines. and will only be revived if i come back to my motherland. but no. its all coming back. its like this blackhole sucking you up with all its might whilst on the other side lies the past you. passing you back and forth.
i also think its innate in me. is it in my appearance? as if people see me as some one to put in bed and leave there not thinking of coming back? or is it just the complications that i always think of that makes me feel alone, used.
i wait for that someone to be there and be the knight in shining armour for me. i see them. i meet them. i interact with them. but after a night of baring whats behind the armour, feeling him and satisfying the carnal needs that my knight was hinting for a long time, im left alone. thinking if i made the right decision of giving in to his needs. thinking maybe it was too early.
it might be too early. but life is short. grabbing it by the tail is not the right way to live it. you must ride head on. catching up is never my thing. but now everything leaves me just in the middle. stagnant.
alone.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
pill
im lying on my bed. thinking if i need to get up and get ready. my work starts in a few more minutes and im not ready yet. sucks.
a lot has happened to me lately. it might be the reason why i havent posted any entry here.
broke up with my bf for nearly 2 yrs. he was the love i cant give up. he was the one who i always think of. but things should be given up so that everyone can be happy. sacrifice. its what i did. and he's happy. i think.
im dating now. thats my most recent status. im going out with a japanese guy. he's cute. he says he likes me. i just wanna test the waters first.
then im going out with a filipino guy. i dont really know but i like him, only thing is, he's too complicated. he's older than i am but he's a bit more immature. plus he's pushy. he likes to ask me if i like him or not. isnt it better if u just let the person tell u that they like u than ask them how they feel? i get irritated by that.
my car got wrecked. i was gonna pick up my mom when my car hit something. i wasnt drunk or anything. just bad luck i guess.
i'll try to explain everything later. and plus the title. brb.
a lot has happened to me lately. it might be the reason why i havent posted any entry here.
broke up with my bf for nearly 2 yrs. he was the love i cant give up. he was the one who i always think of. but things should be given up so that everyone can be happy. sacrifice. its what i did. and he's happy. i think.
im dating now. thats my most recent status. im going out with a japanese guy. he's cute. he says he likes me. i just wanna test the waters first.
then im going out with a filipino guy. i dont really know but i like him, only thing is, he's too complicated. he's older than i am but he's a bit more immature. plus he's pushy. he likes to ask me if i like him or not. isnt it better if u just let the person tell u that they like u than ask them how they feel? i get irritated by that.
my car got wrecked. i was gonna pick up my mom when my car hit something. i wasnt drunk or anything. just bad luck i guess.
i'll try to explain everything later. and plus the title. brb.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Kiss -1
work. work. work. the only thing that made me busy all this time. my friends keep telling me to write the sequel for "the promise". too much on my mind right now... here goes:
After the "hot" thing with my cousin, every year, i looked forward for summer. every single summer. but things stopped. why? because of another cousin.
He is a cousin that i dont know how distant. all i know is, he is from my father side. he's cute. he smells great. and as i discover later on, he has a BIG ONE. he is a brother to my other older cousin which i have a super crush on. and i know, he has a big dick too. im sure of that. ;)
well, i always go to my cousins place to play. i cant help it. their place is literally paces away from ours. i was playing with my cousins when i noticed THIS cousin went upstairs. i was intrigued. puzzled. what the hell will he do upstairs in the middle of the day? so, when all my other cousins were playing i sneaked up to peek at whats happening. i saw him. sleeping. he is just another sight i cant keep my eyes off. i was kind of mesmerized on what i was staring at. his face. his body. then my attention went to where you all are rooting for. his dick. inside my head i was thinking, "does he have a big dick as his brother?". the more than famous devil and angel were fighting inside my head too. touch it or leave it. i really didnt know what happened, but i found myself walking. not walking away, but walking. towards where the embodiment of my lust is. walking for my life....
to be continued...
After the "hot" thing with my cousin, every year, i looked forward for summer. every single summer. but things stopped. why? because of another cousin.
He is a cousin that i dont know how distant. all i know is, he is from my father side. he's cute. he smells great. and as i discover later on, he has a BIG ONE. he is a brother to my other older cousin which i have a super crush on. and i know, he has a big dick too. im sure of that. ;)
well, i always go to my cousins place to play. i cant help it. their place is literally paces away from ours. i was playing with my cousins when i noticed THIS cousin went upstairs. i was intrigued. puzzled. what the hell will he do upstairs in the middle of the day? so, when all my other cousins were playing i sneaked up to peek at whats happening. i saw him. sleeping. he is just another sight i cant keep my eyes off. i was kind of mesmerized on what i was staring at. his face. his body. then my attention went to where you all are rooting for. his dick. inside my head i was thinking, "does he have a big dick as his brother?". the more than famous devil and angel were fighting inside my head too. touch it or leave it. i really didnt know what happened, but i found myself walking. not walking away, but walking. towards where the embodiment of my lust is. walking for my life....
to be continued...
FATSO!
OMG! i cant believe this. all the while i havent noticed that i gained so much weight. not until i received my driver's license. suckz. i feel devastated. i feel the urge to eat. im lonely. MOMMY!!!
LA pride
LA Pride Parade
My first LA pride. so memorable. i marched with new friends down santa monica from cresent heights to robertson blvd in festive west hollywood.
i was late going to the place where we are supposed to meet. i needed to drop my mom off to her work before i do my gay stuff. but it didnt stop me from having all the fun i can have.
from sun way up high to sun down. i was there. experiencing the scene. savoring the moment. they said it was one of the most successful Pride in LA.
My first LA pride. so memorable.
My first LA pride. so memorable. i marched with new friends down santa monica from cresent heights to robertson blvd in festive west hollywood.
i was late going to the place where we are supposed to meet. i needed to drop my mom off to her work before i do my gay stuff. but it didnt stop me from having all the fun i can have.
from sun way up high to sun down. i was there. experiencing the scene. savoring the moment. they said it was one of the most successful Pride in LA.
My first LA pride. so memorable.
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