This is what I don't like when my mom wakes me up in the middle of my slumber. I feel tired and useless.
My brain got tired last night and decided to take its rest after that disturbance my mom made. But comsequently, I woke up too late that I wasn't able to do all my preparations for work. I even ran late for work. Ugh, I hate the feeling that you think you're running out of time hence you run some more and faster so that you can catch up.
Work was kind of okay today. I needed that push. That adrenaline rush. That thought that I have a lot of things to do and finish. I love love love cramming. I think I'm at my finest when I cram. I just hate how one of my co-workers who's incomptence boils my blood to it dryness. I try to minimize mingling with her. She might be contagious. Her stupidity that is. Haha.
I'll be back to work now. :) laters
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Taught to be Scared
I'm kind of on a roll here.
Since I can't figure out how I can go back to sleep, I will pour out what's on my mind and tire it until I can go back to sleep.
Growing up, I was taught to be scared. I wasn't taught to respect people. I was taught to be scared of them.
As far as I can remember, when there's a visitor in the house, the elders would scare us that they out to get us and sell us to somebody else. Hence, I never know how to accept or invite people to my house.
I was taught that the police is out to get us. Not to help us, but to get us. To lock us out in prison. That's why I always tremble and get scared whenever a policeman would come near me even if I know I've done nothing wrong. I was not taught that the policemen were actually there to help us and to protect us from harm. Nope. I wasn't taught of that.
I was taught to be scared of those in authority. Be it my boss, my principal, my teacher. ANYONE with authority. Whenever our principal would call us in her office, I would tremble. I think I developed severe paranoid thoughts because of that. I was taught to fear my principal because they would have to call my aunt, our guardian that time. She hates going to the principal's office. I guess she's scared too. Scared to be humiliated and be made aware that she's not doing a good job rearing us.
I was taught to be scared. I was taught to fear. I was taught that my best will never be good enough.
I guess I wasn't raised well. I learned how to socialize by myself.
I want my fear to disappear. It won't happen soon. Its pretty much familial. Because with observing my elders, I come to realize that my life is actually based on how they want to live theirs. Not that I will live my life the way I want to live it, but by the way they want it to be. And I'm scared. I'm scared to be called an ingrate and be disowned.
I have a life. I can't live it. I wasn't taught how to. I was taught to be scared.
Since I can't figure out how I can go back to sleep, I will pour out what's on my mind and tire it until I can go back to sleep.
Growing up, I was taught to be scared. I wasn't taught to respect people. I was taught to be scared of them.
As far as I can remember, when there's a visitor in the house, the elders would scare us that they out to get us and sell us to somebody else. Hence, I never know how to accept or invite people to my house.
I was taught that the police is out to get us. Not to help us, but to get us. To lock us out in prison. That's why I always tremble and get scared whenever a policeman would come near me even if I know I've done nothing wrong. I was not taught that the policemen were actually there to help us and to protect us from harm. Nope. I wasn't taught of that.
I was taught to be scared of those in authority. Be it my boss, my principal, my teacher. ANYONE with authority. Whenever our principal would call us in her office, I would tremble. I think I developed severe paranoid thoughts because of that. I was taught to fear my principal because they would have to call my aunt, our guardian that time. She hates going to the principal's office. I guess she's scared too. Scared to be humiliated and be made aware that she's not doing a good job rearing us.
I was taught to be scared. I was taught to fear. I was taught that my best will never be good enough.
I guess I wasn't raised well. I learned how to socialize by myself.
I want my fear to disappear. It won't happen soon. Its pretty much familial. Because with observing my elders, I come to realize that my life is actually based on how they want to live theirs. Not that I will live my life the way I want to live it, but by the way they want it to be. And I'm scared. I'm scared to be called an ingrate and be disowned.
I have a life. I can't live it. I wasn't taught how to. I was taught to be scared.
LET ME HAVE MY SLEEP!
An hour and a half more and my alarm will be going off.
I woke up from a call from my mom. She's in the other room. She asked if I was home. OMG. I had to wake up early today for work but she wakes me up earlier than I should. I've done everything to go back to sleep, but alas, i failed.
She ALWAYS does that. Everyday after work, when she gets home, SHE wakes ME up just so she knows I'm home. She disregards the fact that I wake up EARLY for work. EVERYDAY. EVERY FREAKING DAY.
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