Taught to be Scared

I'm kind of on a roll here.

Since I can't figure out how I can go back to sleep, I will pour out what's on my mind and tire it until I can go back to sleep.

Growing up, I was taught to be scared. I wasn't taught to respect people. I was taught to be scared of them.

As far as I can remember, when there's a visitor in the house, the elders would scare us that they out to get us and sell us to somebody else. Hence, I never know how to accept or invite people to my house.

I was taught that the police is out to get us. Not to help us, but to get us. To lock us out in prison. That's why  I always tremble and get scared whenever a policeman would come near me even if I know I've done nothing wrong. I was not taught that the policemen were actually there to help us and to protect us from harm. Nope. I wasn't taught of that.

I was taught to be scared of those in authority. Be it my boss, my principal, my teacher. ANYONE with authority. Whenever our principal would call us in her office, I would tremble. I think I developed severe paranoid thoughts because of that. I was taught to fear my principal because they would have to call my aunt, our guardian that time. She hates going to the principal's office. I guess she's scared too. Scared to be humiliated and be made aware that she's not doing a good job rearing us.

I was taught to be scared. I was taught to fear. I was taught that my best will never be good enough.

I guess I wasn't raised well. I learned how to socialize by myself.

I want my fear to disappear. It won't happen soon. Its pretty much familial. Because with observing my elders, I come to realize that my life is actually based on how they want to live theirs. Not that I will live my life the way I want to live it, but by the way they want it to be. And I'm scared. I'm scared to be called an ingrate and be disowned.

I have a life. I can't live it. I wasn't taught how to. I was taught to be scared.