thoughts for today 5-6-07

i was caught in awe of the things that i can do with my life. and with that i crumble down. it left me in awe. but not in motion.

when i was a kid i realized that i need to compete. my eldest brother graduated valedictorian in elementary (same school i was in), and my other brother was just a wreck. i have no choice but to choose the later than the latter. i don't want my life to end up in a ditch as what i have perceived my other brother's life would be. so i MUST compete. i tried my best. i was on the top section from grades one til 6. then high school was another one when i challenged myself. i went on from top section to top of the section. then i was transferred to another school. if permitted, i can say that i struggled when i was transferred. culture shock. i was taught of things i already knew. things that i can say is like but basic knowledge. so i strove, my best was at the line. i graduated with honors. college was another thing. my eldest brother was again on the premier school of the country. now how can i beat that? so nothing happened. i was placed on the dean's list of my first school just after i transferred to another school. how sad. with the transfer i felt nothing. no competition. no nothing. i became stagnant. i became who i am now. lost.

the world is huge. my world is a tiny spot in my mind. but my spot in the real world is yet to be determined. i need to find my soul. i need to find my strength once more. i need to find.... me.